Living is easy with eyes closed

I feel like venting.. and since if I write in a physical journal somewhere, it's obviously going to be found and read so there's no difference in writing an online journal. People love to violate my privacy. It's awesome. So yeah.

I miss New York. I miss the chaos, the bullshit, the shady people, just about everything. I love Arizona, I really do, I just want to get out and do nothing with my life. That's been my mood for about a month or so. Being here forces upon actions I need to take in order to determine my future as an adult. FUCK being seventeen. I wanna be fifteen. Fourteen, thirteen! Ugh.. I don't wanna grow up. Fuck getting a job, paying for gas, applying to colleges, buying shit. Stressful shit, but nonetheless SO much less stressful shit compared to other people's situation. I just suck at stress management. Well if I tell myself that, I will become that... So no. I can handle stress efficiently. That's halfway true. I'm crazy. Don't worry about it.

As you may know, I am in Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, I'm aware most of you think it's unnecessary of me and that I'm probably only doing it because my boyfriend is in AA. I have nothing to prove to you, especially because for everyone perception is reality, but I will say this: I am an Addict. Google "Addict". You'll find that the requirements are not living on the streets, drinking aftershave, using/drinking everyday, stealing TVs. I'm sure at least one of you reading this is an Addict and don't even know it. I say I am an Alcoholic in meetings out of respect.

Honestly, I'd rather be in Narcotics Anonymous, I relate more to NA. But AA is the basis of NA, so I wanted to start there.

I've been wanting to give up on the Steps and attempt to drink on weekends. Knowing myself and the reality of myself, I can't do that. I simply can't. Drinking on weekends leads to pills everyday during the week to hold me over, that leads to rolling a few times a month, then drinking during the week, drinking alone, leads all back to wanting to die without any chemical in (or sometimes out of) my body.

Funny part about it, I look back and say to myself, "I wasn't sad." If I read notebooks I've filled during the year of 2007... It tells an out of this world comparison. No doubt I wanted to lay in bed all day, sulk in self pity, withdraw from everyone around me, etc. That is not normal. That is not normal.

I've had my taste of paradise from approximately Jan. 2008-May 2008. Never in my life had I felt a remote sensation of loving myself. During that time I can honestly say I was able to look in the mirror and not contemplate extensive procedures of plastic surgery. I was able to talk to others when I wasn't even asked to! It was great. I felt freedom. I was free. Big difference during that time was my non-existent drug use. (Not so much because it was my choice.)

I need to keep reminding myself of that time, and where I was, and where I want to be (plus more). Working on yourself is something a lot of people turn away from because it seems pointless, they can't see where the results come in. I know what will happen if I keep working. I have seen a glimpse of what I can be, what I have in me. I want that. I choose to keep working.

You all have potential. It's basic science, if you don't believe me. Everything technically has potential. Potential energy. Turns into kinetic energy. Kinetic energy goes and goes and goes. Yes, gravity does push/pull you down at some point but the rule of science is that energy cannot be lost, so you damn well can launch again and again and again.

I had the best dream ever last night.


so, me jenna, and some other people went to an MSI concert.
we got there and i made it my mission to get as close to the stage as possible.
so, before they even started playing, i got up really close the stage.
i had to go somewhere in the venue, or the field? cause it was outside.
and when i went where i had to go and jimmy urine randomly comes up, and i was like "oh shit, whats up?!"
he was just actually really nice to me, which is so weird cause jimmy urine's a dick.
when he was leaving i asked him if i could kiss him. and he was like yeah.
so we made out for like, a minute and for some reason, during the kiss, i got that feeling you get when you have really strong chemistry with that person.
i thought it was really strange but so fucking unbelievable cause since my dream was in 3rd-person omniscient, i could feel the same feeling in Jimmy.
when he went away, i felt like i missed him so much.
so i went back to my spot in the crowd.

(Some weird shit goes down involving carving up Jenna's chest for fun)

so then the concert still hasn't started and i'm walking around waiting.
and I see Jimmy again. He's talking with someone doing some kind of business. the place we're in weirdly resembles a room in my house in New York.
and i stop and look at him, to wait for him to be done so i can ask for another kiss.
and he looks at me and whispers, "I love you," with this seductive look in his eyes.
I'm totally caught off guard and really fucking happy. I say, "I love you, too."
(Isn't this RIDICULOUS?!)
and then we just passionately make out for about 3 minutes on the staircase. It was really hot.
then he had to go because it was time to do the show.
I got my spot, watched the show, and it was fucking amazing.

THEN WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. the end.

I'm supposed to be going to an MSI show in May.
If I go, I hope this all happens play by play.

1. I've come to realize that, me and my last ex:
Would have worked out great if he wasn't a compulsive liar.

2. I've come to realize that, I talk:
Very quietly.

3. I've come to realize that, I love:
Danger.

4. I've come to realize that, I have:
This weird allure.

5. I've come to realize that, I've lost:
Like 2 pounds over the past few days.

6. I've come to realize that, I hate how:
Memories will always be memories.

7. I've come to realize that Marriage is:
Something I never think about.

8. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking about me and:
I have no idea who it is.

9. I've come to realize that, I'll always have:
Really good spelling.

11. I've come to realize that, The last time I truly cried:
Felt really good.

12. I've come to realize that, My cell phone:
Is sooo much less cool than everyone else's.

13. I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning:
I usually don't want to get out of bed.

14. I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night:
I reflect on my day.

15. I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about:
Tristan, and how I've told him to download this song I'm listening to right now.

16. I've come to realize that, Babies:
Are cute, but when they hit 2 or 3, they can die.

17. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace:
Too often just to find out what people think of me.

18. I've come to realize, that today:
Was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

19. I've come to realize, that tonight I will:
Maybe attempt to do homework since it's only Art if someone doesn't call to talk, and if they do, I might not pick up cause I don't really feel like talking, then I'll lay down and sleep.

20. I've come to realize that, school is:
Not as stressful and annoying if you do all your work moderately.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
Go to school and go to softball if it's not canceled.

22. I've come to realize that, I really want:
To love myself before I get into a relationship.

23. I've come to realize that my last kiss:
Was when I was a little stoned and confused.

24 .I've come to realize the last stupid thing i did was because:
I'm clumsy.

25. I've come to realize that my true friends:
Are good to me.

'my name is tina maria, im hot as fucking hell, even if i dont think so, i live in arizona right now cos i'm an idiot, but im coming back to new york next year cos i miss my bff jenna francesca too much. i'm good in bed, and i know it, plus i spit when i smoke, its really cute, not gross at all, NOT. i have a good family and friends, who love me more then anything, and i am an amazing friend. I am really trustworthy and am good at keeping secrets, even if i'm not good at sharing my own.' - Taken from Jenna Martuscello

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long) 

time started: 1:37pm in NY time.
full name: Christina...
nickname(s): Tina, Tine, Weenah.
birthday: 4/16/91
where were you born: Riverhood hospital.
zodiac sign: Aries.
height: 5'4.
weight: Shh.
hair color: Dark brown.
eye color: Brown.
shoe size: 8.
ring size: Idk.
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.): Pale-ish.
blood type: I don't know.
grade: Eleventh.
GPA: Idk.
siblings: Older brother and sister.
tattoos: None.
piercings: 5.
hobbies: Walk, listen to music, drink, read, write.
color: Black
food: Domino's Cheesy Bread.
candy: Reese's Pieces. (wtfsup with people saying "reesies pieceys"... thats so retarded)
type of cheese: American or mozzarella.
pizza topping: Just cheeeeese.
salad dressing: Ranch.
sandwich: Peanut Butter & Banana.
cereal: Reese's Puffs, Cpt'n Crunch, Honey Bunches of Oats.
fruit: Mango or banana.
vegetable: Sweet potato :)
berry: Raspberry.
cake: Ice Cream.
book: Running with Scissors.
movie: Head.
magazine: Cosmopolotin.
newspaper: Newsday.
tv show: Nip/Tuck.
website: Wikipedia.org or MySpace.
radio station: I don't have one.
font: Times New Roman. bahahah
cartoon character: Eric Cartman.
artist (painter): Steve Cerio.
actor: Jim Carrey.
actress: Evan Rachel Wood.
cd: One that I made.
song: Always be Moonlight Sonata.
music group: MSI.
music type: Anything crazy and different.
day of the week: Saturday.
month: April or June.
season: Summer.
holiday: Christmas.
shampoo: Herbal Essence.
conditioner: Herbal Essence.
number: Idk.
phrase: ""
store: Spencer's.
weather: 75ish and sun showers.
restaurant: Panera Bread.
channel: Idk.
teacher: Idk.
weekend activity: Drink with friends.
hangout: Idk, wherever.
house color: Idk. I like the houses in Arizona.
sport to watch: I don't watch sports.
sport to play: Softball or Volleyball.
animal: Puppieeeeess.
flower: Rose.
guy's name: Idk.
girl's name: Idk.
board game: Candyland or Checkers.
party game: Beerpong or Never Have I Ever.
story from childhood: The Secret of the Peaceful Warrior.
body part: Boobs.


have you ever

been on a train: Yeah.
been on a plane: Yeah.
been in a car accident: Not a big one.
caused a car accident: No.
run into a wall: Probably.
burned a potato chip: A Cheeto in Chemistry!
almost burned the house down: Nope.
smoked: Yeah.
been drunk: Hell yeah.
been high: Yeeahh.
broken the law: Yeaaah.
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes): Yeah.
kissed someone of the opposite sex: Yeah.
kissed someone of the same sex: Yeah.
frenched an animal: No?
made out: yeah.
had cyber sex: Bahahha.
gotten engaged: Nope.
had an online relationship: No.
been rejected by a crush: When I was in Kindergarten.
loved: Yes.
made yourself cry to get out of trouble: I don't think so.
cried in public: Yeah it's the worst thing ever.
cried over a movie: Yeah, all the time.
fallen asleep in a movie theater: Yeah.
given someone a bath: Doggies?
been to a boarding school: No.
been home-schooled: No
lost a valuable item: Yes.
bungee jumped: No.
skied: Yeah.
met the president: No.
met a celebrity: Yeeahh.
gotten a cavity: Yeah.
shopped at abercrombie & fitch: Never bought anything.
made a prank call: Yeah
skipped school: Yeahh.
faked sick to get out of school: Oh yeah.
purchased something that you knew didn't fit: Yeah; My motivational jeans.
climbed a tree: Yesyesyes<3
fallen from a tree: Yes.
broken a bone: Nose.
sprained anything: Yes, fingers.
passed out: Yes.
made yourself pass out: I had someone else make me pass out. Stupidstupid.
been to disney world: Yeah.
been to a theme park (not disney): Yeeeah.
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative): Yeah.
made a model volcano (working model): No.
made a clover leaf with your tounge: Yes.

 
past
 
what did you do yesterday: Went to school, ate soup&sandwich, then went to bed around 4pm.
memory you miss the most: Childhood, toking with Monica, Jeff Agar's house, Jeff's garage, Fridat nights at Monica's, bakery with Jenna, home in general.
memory you want to forget: House fire, 7th grade; my awkward phase, my dad leaving.
something you regretted after it was done: Ugh.
song you heard: Gimme the Loot - Biggie.
cd you bought: I download.
thing you said: I don't remember.
time you cried: A little yesterday.
movie seen in a theater: Hitman. Sooo good.
thing you ate: Eggs, french toast & bacon. I love my grandma ahhaa.
person who called: Jenna.
nail polish shade worn: I have fake nails.
time you showered: Before.
person who complimented you: Tristan :)

 
at this moment
 
what are you listening to: Let's Go Get Stoned - Sublime.
what are you wearing: Pajama pants, red shirt, sweatshirt.
what are you thinking: I gotta start packing, I need money, I can't wait to get home.
what are you scared of most: Airplane crash.
how many people are on your buddy list: 380.

 
future
 
occupation: I don't know.
marriage site: I don't know.
honeymoon: I don't know.
place to live: I don't know.
kids: 1 or 2.
car: Corvettttee no matter what ;)
what are you doing tomorrow: Flying to NY :)
do you think george bush will be reelected: I just thought, "He can't be, 2 terms is the limit," then I looked at this: http://2004.georgewbush.org/news/termlimits.asp Wtf, no way.
will there be a wwIII: Fuck this shit.
will politics ever be truthful: Fuckin no.
will humanity snuff itself out: Eventually.
can the gov. be changed: Yes, probably for the worst though.

 
friends 
 
best friend: Jenna.
funniest: Idk, they all make me laugh.
silliest: Tristan.
loudest: Jenna or Krista :)
quietest: Michelle.
craziest: Tristan.
calmest: Michelle or Uche.
skinniest: Michelle.
best secret keeper: Idk.
worst secret keeper: Idk.
the one you have but don't want: lol.
smartest: Will.
preppiest: Kayla.
peppiest: Jenna.
most hyper: CC.
hottest: They're all pretty hot.
weirdest: None of them are weird to me.
biggest pervert: Will.
most annyoing: Uhh.. Idk.
shyest: Me.
most religious: Monica.

 
do you believe in 
 
heaven: Idk.
hell: Idk.
angels: Idk.
devil: Idk.
god: Idk.
buddha: Yeah.
aliens: Yeah.
ghosts: Yeah.
spirit (soul): Yeah.
soulmates: Yeah.
reincarnation: Idk.
love at first sight: No.
karma: Yes.
love in general: Yes.
luck: No.
yourself: Sometimes.

crush

who and when was your first crush: This boy Josh in Pre-school.
any now: Yea.
a celebrity crush: Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Johnny Knoxeville.
who do you want to be with right now: Idk.
whos number do you want: Umm... Idk.
who do you want to kiss: :)
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex: Why all they have to think about it sex.
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be: Jimmy Urine.
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you: 0.
first thing noticed about the opposite sex: If they have any piercings, or body type.
what do you look for personality-wise: Crazy and funny.
biggest turn on: A really good sense of humor.
biggest turn off: Conceited.
something they weat that turns you on: Baggy dark clothes.
something they wear that turns you off: Sandals.
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you: Buy me a puppy :D
the most romantic thing that has happened to you: Underoath show, long story.
what do you wear on a coffee date: A nice outfit.
is it right to flirt if you're taken: No.
is cyber cheating: Haha.. Uhh Idk.
are eyes the passegeway to the soul: Yeah, they can tell a lot about a person.
who would you like to take to the prom: Idk.
do you want to hug somebody right now: Yeah.
do you know what an aphrodisiac is: Yeah.


describe 
 
mellow: Laid back.
melancholy: Sad.
the perfect date: Just chill, watch a movie at home, order Domino's, then have sex. :D
the perfect mate: Someone who talks more than me, makes me laugh hysterically, is an insane individual, respects me, cooks for me :)
how m&m's are made: Idk.
why manhole covers are round: Cause men are round.

 
one or the other

coke/pepsi: Pepsi.
sprite/7-up: Sprite.
boxers/briefs: Boxers
gold/silver: Silver.
vanilla/chocolate: Vanilla.
flowers/candy: You buy me Reese's Pieces... I'm yours haha.
book/magazine: Book.
tv/radio: TV.
glass half empty/half full: half full.
democrat/republican: Fhehedohe fuck that shit.
colored pencils/markers: Depends what I'm drawing.
coffee/tea: Hmm... That's a toughy.
sun/moon: Moon.
day/night: Night.
hot/cold: Cold.
dog/cat: Puppy.
button/zipper: Zipper.
cotton/feather pillow: Cotton.
blue/purple: Burple!
plumber/trashman: Trashman definitely.
jeans/shorts: Jeans.
long distance relationship/none: Eh. Idk.
mechanical/regular pencil: Mechanical.
matt/ben: Ben.
that 70's show/simpsons: That 70's Show.
kelso/eric: Hyde <3
donna/jackie: Jackie
bart/lisa: bart
romeo/juliet: romeo
romantic comedy/thriller: thriller
nsync/bsb: Neither.
peanut butter/jelly: Peanut butterrr.
waffles/pancakes: French toast :)
letter/email: Letter.
florida/california: I've never been to Californiaaaa :(
pizza/burgers: Pizza definitely.
hat/visor: Hat.
football/rugby: Football.
iceskating/blading: Hmm...
movie at home/in theater: Home.


first thing you think of when you hear

yellow: Bee.
red lipstick: Scarlett Johansson.
socks: Off during sex.
cowtipping: Lol.
moulin rouge: Lady Marmalade.
greenland: Cold.
iceland: Bjork.
harry potter: Harry Pothead.
red: Good color.
blackberry: Phone.
rose: Good flower.
rooster: Morning.
taxes: Ehh.
bill clinton: I had a dream about him last night.
whipped cream: Mmmm.
george w. bush: Someone needs to kill him.
lollipops: Mmmmm.
dreams: Love them.
love: I can't wait to fall in love.
guys: Eh.
south park: Funnyyyyy.
boy bands: Gay.
pengiuns: I want oneee.
girls: Bitches.
thong: Goodgood.
death: Cemetary.
spoons: Spooning or "My spoon is too big"
junk mail: Dumb.
dairy: Cows.
panties: Hahha funny word.
your father: Eh.
pizza: Mmmm.
britney spears: Funny.
vitamin: Vitamin water.

 
are you 
 
happy: Yes.
sad: Yes.
religious: No.
bitchy: Not at all.
crazy: Yes.
messy: Very.
mad: No.
slacker: That's kind of done with.
nerd: Kind of.
bookworm: No.
jock: No.
preppy: No.
selfish: We all are.
giving: Not as much as I used to be.
obsessive: No.
violent: No.
calm: yes.
peaceful: Yes.
mellow: Yes.
eccentric: Yes.
caring: Yes.
untrustworthy: Not at all.
loyal: Yeah.
patriotic: No.
perverted: Yes.
colorful: On the insiiddee lol.
artistic: I wish I was.


miscellaneous
 
what color is your jacket: Black?
do you shave: Yeah.
where: The shower.
what color is your razor: Pink.
what size is your bed: Full.
what color crayon would you be: Red.
what are the last four digits of you phone number: tdfrtef
feelings ..ion: What?
how lond does it take you to shower: Long kind of.
what does your screenname mean: It's from "I am the Walrus" (note: bloody doesn't equal literal blood... it's english slang) But whatever I need to make a new one.
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general: They don't really have musical talent.
who so you trust the most: My dog Angel :D
is cussing a necessity in life: When I'm mad.
how about coffee: No.
is the world screwed: Yep.
what something you cant live without: Music, paper or pens.
what time did you fall asleep: 4PM! wtf.
know what 69 means: Yeah.
how about 143: Yeah.
can you live without a microwave: Yes.
what do think about death: It happens.
where and when do you want to be married: I don't know.
do you want to drop out of school: No.
why is the sky blue: sjhhsoi some science stuff.
what is a good trait about yourself: I listen and don't judge.
what do you always think about: Ways I can make myself a better person.
what is wrong with your school: It's filled with immature kids and there's too many rules.
what is right with your school: The teachers are good.

Haven't written anywhere in a while, so I'll write in here.

I'm on this cleanse diet, I fucked it up yesterday, but I'm still eating really well. I lost like 15 POUNDS IN LIKE A WEEK. WHAT THE FUCK. I love it.

So, this is the first time I've been in this house alone and it is SO nice. I got to have a cigarette on the porch. It was so relaxing. I usually have to walk far away from home to have a cigarette. Oh my god. I can't get over how nice it was. Like, I really took advantage my cigarette breaks in the front of my house in NY.

I really can't wait to come home for winter break.

1. If I looked in your bed, what would I find?
in it?
In? Umm... me?

2. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Closed.

3. Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
They're still in the package.

4. Sleep on your back or stomach?
Uhh... I sleep all different ways, i can never get comfortable.

5. Are you a cuddler?
No.

6. What would I find if I looked under your bed?
Nothing.

7. Something that happened today that made you angry?
For some reason I forgot how to do this certain thing in Chemistry and it pissed me off.

8. What were you doing before this survey?
Talking to my aunt.

9. What will you do after this survey?
I don't know, maybe go on myspace.

10. Marriage or living together?
I don't know yet.

11. What are you wearing right now?
Jeans, black tank top, black hooded thingy.

12. How many times have you been in love?
Once.

13. Does de-labeling a beer bottle make you sexually frustrated?
So I've heard..

14. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I don't talk about mine.

15. Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
Sometimes.

16. First thing you do when you wake up?
Try really hard not to fall back asleep.

17. Last person you told you love them?
My aunt.

18. Kiss with your eyes open or closed?
Closed.

19. Bite or lick?
Both.

20. Last argument you got into?
Probably one with my grandma, although those aren't too much of arguments... she just yells.

21. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
Slick question thereeee.

22. Whats one thing about the girl/boy you like?
I don't like anybody really.

23. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
yesssss.

24. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
Yeah.

25. What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
There is none.

26. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Coming homeeee for break :D

27. When will you turn 50?
2038.

28. Are you ticklish?
Yesss. Don't tickle me.

29. Where do you wish you were right now?
Smoking a cigarette in Jenna's room with her while talking about leprochauns and retards.

30. What song are you currently listening to?
lmao last time i answered this question it was a donkey kong song, and this time i'm listening to a different donkey kong song. I DON'T LISTEN TO DONKEY KONG ON A DAILY BASIS I SWEAR.

31. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
yes.

32. If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do?
Ah don't got oneeeeee.

33. What time did you wake up this morning?
6:40.

34. Do you have any cousins?
yESS a lottt.

35. what makes you laugh?
Stupid shit, messed up jokes, people getting falling/tripping/getting hurt, corny jokes.

36. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Jenna.

37. What is the worst subject they teach in school?
Math.

38. Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
I don't know yet.

39. What was your dream this morning?
I don't remember it.

41. Where was the last place you traveled?
Here.

Q: What is considered to be the average size woman in America? Debbie, Grand Prairie, Texas

A: According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the average U.S. woman is 5' 3.7 (162 centimeters) tall and weighs 152 pounds (69 kilograms). This corresponds to a Body Mass Index of 26.3 kilograms/meters², which is slightly less than the average man's.

The average American woman is tall enough for an astronaut (minimum height, 4' 10.5) but falls short of the average Miss America winner (5' 6.5) and is about the same height as the shortest president (James Madison, 5' 4).

By the way, the average U.S. male stands 5' 9.1 tall and weighs 180 pounds, with a Body Mass Index of 26.5 kg/m².


--->http://www.wonderquest.com/size-women-us.htm

I think I DCA'd Health again. Oh fuckin' well. I felt like COMPLETE SHIT this morning, my eyes were so red and glassy and my nose was soo runny. :( It's not fair. I always get colds and shit. I hate my immune system.

Tomorrow is Halloween. This weekend is my last weekend in New York so I'm going to a club with my sister and my cousin :) I can't wait. It's gonna be Halloween themed, I'm going as a school girl.

November 9th, 2007 is when I leave and November 9th, 2007 is when my new life starts.

1) My name is Christina
2) I enjoy menthol cigarettes
3) I smell barbecue sauce
4) I'm extremely indecisive
5) I make a lot of stupid moves AKA mistakes
6) It's because I'm impulsive
7) I really hate school (hence why I'm not in school right now)
8) I really love to learn, though
9) Knowledge is one of my top priorities
10) I hate my handwriting
11) I wish I could draw well
12) I don't work well under pressure
13) I love all types of music
14) Rap, metal, hardcore, industrial, techno, electronica, alternative, acoustic, etc.
15) I really love Marilyn Manson, Radiohead and Mindless Self Indulgence.
16) I only like the beach at night
17) In fifth grade I chipped a girl's tooth by punching her in the face because she pulled my hair
18) I laugh at weird things
19) I usually laugh for long periods of time
21) I make myself laugh
21) I love laughing
22) I can tell when a girl is hot
23) I adapt well to change
24) I believe I can handle just about any situation because of how well I can accept reality
25) I wash my hands a lot
26) I love feeling hygienic
27) I wish I was excelled in something
28) I don't like publicly displaying affection
29) I don't mind when others do, though
30) I avoid a lot of things and procrastinate a lot
31) I'm kind of irresponsible
32) I don't hate being wrong and can always admit when I am
33) I've always wanted to be famous
34) I'm very risky - it sometimes gets me in trouble
35) I feel like my body is aging faster than it's supposed to be (excluding my boobs)
36) I usually lead guys on accidentally because it's really hard for me to be mean
37) I love dogs a lot and I love my baby, Angel
38) I really miss my dachshund, Victoria (RIP)
39) I got suspended for 3 days in 8th grade for fighting this guy in the middle of the cafeteria
40) When I feel an emotion, it usually gets extreme
41) I dislike every body part I have
42) I get really mad when people call me stupid/retarded even when they are joking
43) I sound stupid sometimes because I'm kind of burnt but get into a deep conversation with me and you'll know that I'm not
44) I don't miss my dad
45) I've never gotten homesick
46) I want to speak fluent Spanish
47) My mom can speak Spanish fluently and I'm upset she never taught it to me
48) Dethklok owns
49) Don't cut me off when I talk
50) Dancing with people drunk is my absolute favorite thing to do, especially black people
51) I've loved the scent of marijuana since I was little
52) Trust is a big issue with me
53) I hate to lie
54) I only lie to parental units
55) I hate drama so I ignore it
56) Despite what anyone else says or thinks, I am not a slut
57) I get really frustrated when I lose things
58) I try to keep anything anyone gives me because it's really important to me
59) I can read people very well
60) I'm very intuitive
61) Drugs play a bigger role in my life than I'd like them to
62) I have a slight obsession with boobs
63) I wish mine would grow to be big one day
64) I love listening to people when they know what they're talking about
65) I could never be a vegetarian - love meat too muc
66) I think I'm seriously addicted to food
67) I'm very open-minded
68) I'll never judge you based upon appearance, sexuality, religion, race, deformities, gender, social status, age, etc.
69) I'm not a part of any "clique"
70) I roam from social group to social group
71) I really wish I had perfect teeth
72) Head is, without a doubt, the best movie to watch when you're under the influence
73) I think the next president we elect should seriously attempt to help stop global warming
74) We should really do something about genocide in Darfur
75) I do worry about the end of the world and the day I die
76) I think a lot
77) I try not to think too much into religions because I feel nobody will ever know for sure which one (if any) is telling the complete truth and as far as anyone definitely knows, we only live once
78) I'm going to do the best I can to live my life
79) I have my belly button pierced and you probably would never have known that
80) I'm really hungry
81) The first time I ever got high was when I was 10 years old; my brother and I drove around in his Astro van while he smoked pot
82) The first time I got piss drunk was in Jeff's garage with everyone and I threw up 3 times
83) For face piercings, I want my nose, tongue and lip
84) I've had my lip pierced once
85) I miss "Jeff's Garage" days - who doesn't?
86) Age ain't nothing but a number
87) I like hugs only from people I care about, otherwise it's awkward and uncomfortable
88) I don't really like to be touched - I believe highly in "personal space"
89) I used to have really long hair but now it's medium-length
90) I like it, but I miss my black hair
91) Laying in tanning beds is really relaxing
92) I wish I didn't have asthma
93) I really love hookahs
94) My mom found mine and threw it out :(
95) I'm wearing my retainer
96) I write a lot
97) I probably have over 10 notebooks filled
98) I'll probably be the most self-conscious person you ever meet
99) If I had a perfect body, I can safely say I'd be happy
100) I'm not superficial, I just really would love to obtain self-confidence

This has been the most random 2 weeks I've had in the longest time. A few of people who I consider very important to me have just recently re-entered my life. It makes me really happy to see amends being made especially when I've been waiting for the day they came.

Some of these people are making me really happy. Some of them are just confusing the hell out of me.

This entry started off with me being happy. I'm not so much anymore.

I feel so hung over. I didn't even drink yesterday. I just exercised and that felt good.

I feel like writing. I wasn't about to go tell everyone about this but my mood right now is just so "fuck-it" so I'm gonna go ahead and tell. So basically I fucked up again and I'm moving to Arizona this month. I'm going to stay with my grandma in Phoenix for the school year to help "clean up my act" and start fresh.

My feelings on this? Fuck this town, fuck this state, fuck everyone around. I'm happy I'm leaving and getting away from all this bullshit. I've always had an overly optimistic outlook but gradually i've been feeling like there's honestly no reason to be because everything turns to shit.

We're all creatures of habit. I'll always have my habit; no matter what it is, what it was, or what it's going to be. You will always have your own, too, so the criticizing needs to end. Just because someone else's routine seems wrong in your perception or less productive than your own doesn't mean someone doesn't see you the same way. We're all liars, fakes, hypocrites and paranoid to some extent, but once we all realize we're the same, we can begin to focus on the raging conflicts within and stop directing our self-hate upon someone else. The truth is we can gradually diminish worthless insecurities if we actually try. It's natural to blame others for our shortcomings and unfortunately it feels alleviating as fuck. The reality is though, everything will catch up to you in the end and if you don't work on what you know you need to work on, you will explode.

Don't let yourself explode. Allow yourself to explode a little bit each day. A massive explosion can lead to massive destruction.

Crazy good weekend :). Happy about most of the shit that went down.

Unfortunately the new week has started and I have already fucked up. Part of my responsibility is to go to school and when I don't give a shit about responsibility or school, sleep is my friend. Tomorrow I hope I can wake up in the morning 'cause I have four absences left until I DCA. Whatever.

Today I really wanted to leave school, but I didn't. After a cigarette break and a few reeses cups, I convinced myself it wouldn't be that hard. I pretty much finished my Computer Graphics project, which is good since it's due Friday and that's one less thing to worry about. The project was kind of interesting. We have to recreate a celebrity's face using only typeface with a font that represents the character. I did Christopher Walken. It should look pretty good when it's all done. When I got home I rewarded myself for staying in school with a nice bowl and Domino's :D. Yay for me.

Yeahso, I'm pretty sure I forgot I had this thing. I think I'm gonna start writing in here again actually. It'll give me something to do when I'm bored. Yeah. Sounds good.

Today was fucking freezing. I don't like it.

I'm aware of the fact that I'm boring.

I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't stay in school. I couldn't stand being home. I just get sicker and sicker. Sick of everything, from everything. Sick sick sick. Fat fat fat. Ugly ugly ugly.

When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead...

It's been a while. I want to write about a lot of stuff, but I can't. Well, I am starting to remember that I actually have to work in school to pass. Yeah, forgot about that minor detail. I wish I had more than one class during the day to look forward to. That's what gets me through, thinking ahead to the period I want to actually go to. It really sucks.

I'm starting to get really negative. This happens once in a while. It'll pass. I guess if I'm thinking that way then it can't be too bad.